Fredo Speaks: Socialism Is Bad Except When It’s Not

Author’s Note: Frederic “Fredo” Trump is a fictional character.  Any resemblance to a real person, living or dead, is wholly intentional.

My father says it best: America is not and never will be a socialist country.  Except when it is.  And when it’s politically expedient.  And when it benefits us Trumps.  Never when it benefits you, though.  That’s the bad kind of socialism.

See, trade deficits mean American jobs got taken out of the country, so if we eliminate the trade deficits, that means more jobs will come back here.  It’s simple cause and effect.  Now, eliminating trade deficits means putting tariffs on foreign goods that we should be making here at home, which foreign countries will pay for — like Mexico and the wall.  I honestly can’t believe how many people don’t understand this simple concept.  You’d think they experienced economic growth under free trade policies or something.

And, of course, if you put tariffs on things to shrink the trade deficit, the other countries are going to retaliate with tariffs of their own.  It’s called a trade war.  They’re easy.  All you have to do to win is take taxpayer dollars and give it to the industries that are losing money.  People like free money, and as we all know, that’s what tax dollars are.  That’s the good kind of socialism: the kind that my father believes will get him re-elected.  Which, as Alan Dershowitz so correctly pointed out, is in the national interest, so he can do anything he wants toward that end.

Now, some people are equating this to farm subsidies in failed socialist countries like the Soviet Union, Cuba, Venezuela, Nambia, or Wakanda.  I can assure you, this is not true.  Those countries were run by socialists.  My father is not a socialist, and America will never be a socialist country.  We’re just doing this one socialist thing because our totally capitalist policies made it necessary.

The bad kind of socialism is in things like Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, SNAP, and the whole concept of the so-called “social safety net.”  It’s even right there in the name!  “Social,” as in “socialist.”  These programs exist only to prop up the lazy disabled and elderly people who just don’t want to pull their weight anymore — or welfare queens, most of whom are… well, not like us.  And by “us,” I of course mean we decent, patriotic Americans who believe in this country and know that it takes hard work to get to where people like my father got when his father gave him all his money.

Hey, I understand: people like to be alive.  I get that.  Do I look stupid to you?

But think of all the chaos and disorder that would result from just cutting all the spending government does on other things.  Think of all the countries we haven’t liberated yet.  Think of all the military members who would be forced to come back home to their families.  Think of all the government agencies we’d have to cut back on.  Think of all the federal employees who would have to find jobs in the private sector.  Think of all the nothing that Congress would have to do, as opposed to all the nothing they do now.  It would be madness!

No, that kind of socialism is clearly evil.  Sure, it wasn’t always bad.  It was good when it got F.D.R. re-elected.  That was in the national interest.  But now it’s bad because the people who vote for my father don’t like it — except when they lose it and realize that they did this to themselves, but that happens after they voted for him, so it doesn’t matter.

The long and short of it is this: the Trump family is here for you.  We gave up our lives of luxury in the private sector to live lives of luxury on the backs of you, the American people, and your hard work; and we’ll do all we can to ensure that we get richer and you get what you voted for.  That’s the America we should all believe in.